Maid Service
by ibbity
Summary: Alfeegi and Ruwalk need rescuing. Whether from the demons or from Kitchel is the question.


**This story is dedicated to aquajogger, because it was inspired in a roundabout way by her story Backwards And In High Heels.**

Alfeegi's head hurt. A lot. And it didn't help that someone was poking him. He debated whether or not to kill the unknown poker. Of course, such an action would require him to sit up, which given the way he felt right now just might kill _him._

At least he ought to find out who was torturing him before deciding on his course of action. Alfeegi forced his eyes open and discovered that the mysterious poker was Ruwalk. Also that they were in a small stone room with a tiny barred window.

"Oh good, you're awake," Ruwalk said, smiling. "I was getting a little worried there."

"Agh," Alfeegi answered. It was downright mean of Ruwalk to be so cheerful when Alfeegi felt so awful. "Where are we?"

"Some demon's fortress. The dungeon to be precise."

"_What?" _Alfeegi shot upright, then realized this was unwise as a bolt of agony shot through his skull. He nearly fell over on his side, but Ruwalk caught and steadied him.

"That whack on the head must've been a good one. Don't you remember? We were ambushed and captured. They threw a net over me, but you got hit on the head."

Alfeegi rubbed his forehead. "What do they want with us?"

"I don't know," Ruwalk admitted. "I was too concerned about you to ask. They probably want information or something. Or maybe they just like the idea of holding two Dragon Officers prisoner. I just hope they aren't the torturing kind of demons."

"That makes two of us," Alfeegi muttered. His headache was beginning to recede. But not much.

"So yeah, I can start right away," Kitchel said cheerfully.

"Do you do windows?" the demon who was interviewing her said blandly.

_Bland is the word, _Kitchel reflected. The demon had no personality to speak of. Kitchel couldn't even tell if it was male or female.

"Oh yes, windows." she chirped. "Windows, of course. I'm the queen of doing windows, ask anyone!"

"Right then," The Bland One said. "You can get a uniform in stores, just head down that corridor and take a left. Then just get started anywhere you think it's needed."

Kitchel trotted down the hall, a broom in her hand. _This is such a brilliant idea, _she thought happily. _I'll just play maid for a couple of days till I find the treasury, then I'll clean it out and be gone. Thatz will _die.

She liked the uniform too, and was seriously considering taking it with her when she left. It consisted of a bright purple dress with a full skirt and high lacy collar, and a ruffly apron over top.

_Maybe the treasury is down in the lower levels, _Kitchel thought. She descended the curving stone staircase, the light tapping of her footsteps echoing off the walls. When she reached the floor, Kitchel began to explore. She was poking her nose here and there, enjoying herself thoroughly, when she heard voices which sounded familiar. Curious, she followed the sound.

"What do they want what do they want _what do they want?!" _Alfeegi shrieked, kicking a small chunk of stone across the room, where it ricocheted sharply off the wall. Ruwalk neatly dodged the missile and said patiently, "You've asked me that several times now, Alfeegi, and I still don't know. At least they're feeding us."

"Hey, guys! What're you doing here?" a voice demanded brightly. Both Dragon Officers' heads whipped around in startlement towards the little window in the door.

"Kitchel!" Alfeegi yelped, plastering himself against the door. "How did _you_ get here?"

"Nice to see you too," Kitchel replied, rocking back and forth with her hands behind her back. (She'd left the broom by the base of the stairs.) "I'm casing the joint."

"You're planning to rob a demon's fortress?" Alfeegi demanded.

"Well, they don't seem exactly brilliant here…"

"Wait." Ruwalk gently pushed Alfeegi away from the door. "You're a thief, so you can pick locks, right?"

"Oh, sure," Kitchel said. "I can get you guys out of there any time. But I think we should make some plans first, otherwise it might be kind of hard to explain if we get caught, even by these geniuses. So," she smiled sweetly at the Dragon Officers, "just sit tight and when I've found the treasury and thought of a plan I'll be sure to return. See ya!' She gave them her trademark Kitchel-wink and skipped away.

Kitchel found the treasury the very next day, which was fortunate for Ruwalk, whose nervous system was beginning to fray under the stress of continual proximity with Alfeegi's. Neither Dragon Officer, however, felt very fortunate when Kitchel revealed her escape plan.

"You want us to do _what?" _Alfeegi yelled.

"Shush, someone will hear you," Kitchel scolded. She was in the cell with them. "It makes perfect sense. No one will suspect three maids on an errand."

"But…but…" Alfeegi wailed. "It's so…so…purple!"

"Can't forget the ruffly apron," Ruwalk murmured.

"Look." Kitchel braced her fists on her hips. "If you can come up with a better plan, I'd like to hear it." She stared very hard at Alfeegi for a minute. "Thought not. Now," she held the garments out, "let's be quick about this. The sooner we're out of here the better."

"You wait outside," Alfeegi said, scowling.

Kitchel accordingly went outside the cell, where she waited patiently for a few minutes until Ruwalk poked his head round the door and inquired as to how, exactly, one fastened the back of a dress. Kitchel did up the buttons for the Dragon Officers, then tied the apron-strings in perky bows. She then stood back to examine her handiwork. Alfeegi was clearly not pleased with the situation, judging by the eyetwitch and lethal glare. Ruwalk wore an air of patient martyrdom.

"H'm," Kitchel said, tapping her finger against her chin thoughtfully. "You'll do, Ruwalk, as long as no one looks _too _close. Alfeegi…we need to do something about your hair."

"Like what?" Alfeegi demanded.

"I dunno. I'll just whip something up quick. But we've gotta do _something, _because you'll be spotted a mile away looking like that." She frowned, then added, "You might want to consider changing your facial expression, too."

When Kitchel had finished doing Alfeegi's hair, Ruwalk regarded him with a very peculiar expression on his face. Kitchel, however, smiled and clapped her hands. "Great!" she enthused. "Let's go."

"This is not the door to the outside, Kitchel," Alfeegi said angrily.

"Of course not, silly!" Kitchel giggled. "I can't go away without treasure!" She began to fill a bag with items, while Alfeegi twitched and Ruwalk leaned against the wall keeping an eye out for stray demons. Eventually Kitchel judged her bag full enough, and the three of them set off again.

Their luck ran out in the front hall, where a different demon had apparently taken over The Bland One's duties. "Where might you three ladies be going?" he enquired.

"Oh, I'm just going to dump some trash in the woods," Kitchel lied cheerfully. "My friends thought they'd come along for a bit of fresh air."

"Well, all right then," the demon said.

_Wow, he's stupid, _Alfeegi thought. However, the next words out of the demon's mouth filled him with horror as The Stupid One smiled at him in a way that Alfeegi did not at all care for and said, "Blue-haired girl, you are _hot."_

Alfeegi meeped. Ruwalk's mouth twitched. Kitchel grinned and said, "Well, her boyfriend _did _just break up with her…"

"Really?" The Stupid One inched closer to Alfeegi, who backed up against the wall in alarm.

"You know," Ruwalk said mildly, "it's probably going to be dark pretty soon. If we're going to dump that stuff…"

"You're right…" Kitchel reluctantly tore her eyes away from the sight of Alfeegi frantically trying to ward off The Stupid One's advances. "Come, Alfeena, you can flirt with the gentleman later."

The three of them left the castle. It wasn't, in fact, going to be dark pretty soon, much to Ruwalk and Alfeegi's mutual dismay when, after about fifteen minutes walking, they came upon 1) Lykouleon; 2) the other two Dragon Officers; 3) all three of the Dragon Knights; and 4) a sizable contingent of soldiers, all taking a rest in a clearing. It was too late to hide, however, as Thatz loudly and immediately pointed them out.

"Hey, everybody, it looks like the rescue effort was unnecessary. There they are."

"Wow," Rath said. "I gotta say, I've never seen this side of you guys before…especially you, Alfeegi."

"He doesn't mean that he expected _you_ to be a cross-dresser, Ruwalk," Rune hastily added. "Just that, well…" He hesitated. "I mean, Alfeegi seems to have, um…"

"Gotten into it more," Thatz finished.

"Just what do you mean by that?" Alfeegi demanded.

Rune dug though a bag of his things till he came up with a mirror. He wordlessly held it up before Alfeegi's first shocked, then horrified, and finally enraged countenance.

"'Feegi," Kitchel said earnestly, "please allow me to tell you that I am deeply sorry, and that I would _never _have given you high ponytails on either side of your head, with big pink ribbon bows on them, _or _encouraged The Stupid One in coming on to you, if I had known that help was on the way."

"I'm sure you wouldn't have," Alfeegi answered sweetly.

"Are you going to put the ax down now?" Kitchel inquired.

"I'll put it down if you come out of the tree," Alfeegi replied.

"I'll come out of the tree if you put the ax down."

There was a pause, then "Are you going to stand under this tree all night?"

"If I have to."

"Yes, but…" Kitchel frowned down at him. "Aren't you concerned about what people are thinking when they see you standing there in that dress?"

_**fin **_


End file.
